fears, round two

Many of you know this, but there are a certain number of fears that come along with having a baby. Primarily you spend 9ish months creating a little human, all the time feeling kicks and experiencing growth, but not really knowing what is going to happen on the other side of it all. I think if I learned nothing else from having my first child it was this: I am fairly powerless to control things. Sure, I can choose to take a pre-natal and exercise [or not]. I can choose to not smoke and get enough sleep. But I cannot choose much beyond that. I can't choose how my baby's heart develops, or her lungs, or if I need an emergency c-section. There is so much unknown, and so many "out of my control"s.

With Blythe, day two. 

In many ways this is terrifying. And in many ways it is comforting, as I would much rather have my God dictating this child's life than my own ideas.

But fears are real things, and it's easier to say you are handing them over to God and trusting Him, than to actually do it.

Here are a few of mine, currently:

- I've mentioned this before, but I have what feels like a very real fear that I won't make it to the hospital to deliver this time. Blythe's delivery was f.a.s.t. However, I keep telling myself that I will be able to listen to my body this time, and at the first signs of labor we will just go.

- Post partum stuff. Last time was rough on me. I know it's different for everyone, but my body revolted against me. "They" say that's easier with number two, but?? Will it be? I think no matter what, my expectations this time are LOW, so that in and of itself will at least make it seem easier, right? ;)

- That all of this will be traumatic, or something, for Blythe, and I will handle it wrong and she will grow up hating her sister. Okay, so that's being a bit dramatic, but there are SO many articles out there about exactly how and when you should "introduce" your kids to one another-- you shouldn't be in the hospital bed because it will scare them, you should have them go get the baby from the nursery so they feel a "part" of it, you should have them give and receive a gift, you should have them… etc.

-And ladies, let's be honest: delivery, even if you've done it before, is scary. And in some ways I feel like I didn't really do it last time. [I know, you hate me]. But it happened so suddenly and so quickly, I never really thought about what was happening, and though I clearly felt some of it, it was all very foggy and quick. So what if I DO make it to the hospital this time and labor for 30 hours? And what about that epidural? Can I get one this time? And what if…what if…

I'm sure there are others, but those are the big ones.

And you know what, the other day as I sat in the nursery during a little quiet time and read through my Jesus Calling devotional, all of this hit me. I looked around that room, with the crib sheets washed and ready to go, and the crib raised back up to its highest spot. I saw the new monitor that I had just plugged in, which somehow made it all seem very real-- that little green light that indicated that it was ready to pick up my baby's cries at 2 in the morning when she needs me. And I was quickly becoming excited, but also overwhelmed when all the fears came knocking again.

My devotion for the day though?
Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you… When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. [Jesus Calling, Sarah Young, page 74]

And in that moment, with the monitor's green light glowing at me and the smell of Dreft wafting around the room, I took a breath and remembered how little I can control, but also remembered how big my God is.

The issue is not my strength. Thank goodness.

With Blythe, first day home