the baby is ONE

Dear Becks Lynae,

I was sitting here watching the cursor flash on the computer screen and thinking about this year--your first year with us-- and wondering how I could possibly tell you how simply wonderful it has been. But let me back up. Becks, I was a little scared to have you. Thrilled? Yes. Excited? Beyond words. But also worried. I worried about how you would change the dynamics of our family. I worried about my recovery after I delivered you. I worried about trying to nurse you. I worried that you would be that child that would scream and not sleep and I worried if you were that I would do a poor job of mothering you. I worried I would be stretched too thin with two children. I worried.

And I prayed. Oh, sweet one, how I prayed to our Jesus. I prayed he would take my worries and shoulder them like He is so good at doing. And I prayed He would sustain us in the hard times, give us grace for one another in the transition, and that He would fill you with patience and sleep and contentment. And Becks I will tell you this for the rest of your life: Our God is faithful.

After your quick delivery, they cut your cord rather hastily and rushed you over to the warmer in the corner of the room because you weren't crying. In that moment, which lasted less than 40 seconds, I was no longer worried about how you would change the dynamics of our family, or about trying to nurse you, or even if you would scream for the next 8 months. In that moment I realized my heart was already made to be your mom, and it was already fiercely in love with you.

And then very soon they laid your teeny-tiny, five pound twelve ounce body on my chest. I held you as tightly as I could, and I kissed you and I kissed you, and in that moment that I could have said anything, but what came desperately choking out of me was, "Jesus loves you so much, baby girl." Because you see, sweet Becks, more than anything I want you to know that.

We brought you home, to a home I thought was "ours", but it was also "yours", and in no time at all we understood the phrase, "I couldn't imagine life without you." You were louder than your sister ever was, and you fought sleep-training a little more intensely, but all along the way you were the absolute sweetest little human. Oh my word, Becks. Sweet, sweet, sweet. And so happy and content. You sat up on your own very early and from that point forward you needed very little entertainment [though your sister was happy to provide it for you often].

Throughout the past year I have often said that being your mom has made me a different kind of mom than I was before. I don't even know how to really pinpoint it, but just like becoming a mom changed me when Blythe arrived, your arrival did some work in my heart as well, and it was work I am all the better for having done.

When I wrote your birth story I said that those two hours of labor and delivery, though fast, had a lot of pain, emotions, and moments of fear squeezed into them. But they also had a great big moment of beauty; a great big moment of being reminded of how big and wonderful and capable and strong and steadfast is our God. And when I was re-reading it for your birthday, I realized that that continued throughout this first year of your life. Sustaining you in early infancy, soothing your cries, teaching you to sleep, nursing, then weaning, teaching you to eat finger food, and crawl, your first cold, and all of that...well, throughout it all was a lot of pain and emotions and moments of fear. But overall this year, just like in labor and delivery, you have been one giant reminder of how good our God is; a reminder of how great His grace and love for our us are every day.

You are the daintiest of ladies, so tiny and petite. But you love to eat. You love to wave at any car that passes by. You love when daddy gets home from work and shout, "Dada! Dada!" over and over again until he swoops you up in his arms. You give the best kisses. You get uncontrollably excited every day when you wake up and see Blythe. You're an excellent sleeper. And you love to be scratched.

Becks Lynae, we prayed for you from the moment we knew it was you. We prayed you would be filled with patience, and that you would be devoted to people and passions in your life. We prayed that you would be a girl of integrity, choosing to do right even in the hard times. And we prayed purity over your little life, the kind of purity that speaks of the Purest Love anyone could ever know. And we've continued to pray these traits for you over the past year, and we will continue to as you grow.

Oh sweet Becksy-Becks. I couldn't have dreamed you up any better than you are. Thank you for loving us so unconditionally. May you always be as kind and sweet as you are right now. I will end this the same way I ended your sister's first year letter, as the words are just as true and deep for you:

We love you so very, very much. When your days seem dark and troubled, when it seems like we are fighting you for no reason, may you always remember that we're in your corner. When we fight in a dressing room about what you can weary, may you remember that your modesty and your beauty are precious gifts we are trying to protect for you. When we set curfews that you don't like and say, "Nothing good happens after midnight", and tell you not to spend time with certain people, may you remember that we are trying our best to create a safe place for you. When you don't get a brand new car when you turn 16, and you don't get a cell phone as soon as you want, may you remember that we are trying to show you the importance of true value, and trying to teach you needs vs. wants. When you leave for college and the world seems bigger and scarier than you ever thought it could, remember that you're always our daughter, we will always love you, and we will leave the light on for you any time you want to crawl back into your bed at home. When you leave us for good, and go out into the world on your own, may you have learned the love of Jesus, and know He is always near you.

Happy first birthday, Becks Lynae! There is nothing you can ever do that will make us stop loving you.

post signature

1 comment:

Torrie said...

I absolutely loved this. What a beautiful letter that your daughter will cherish forever!

I'm a recent new follower to your blog, and I've just adored what I've read so far. As a brand new mom myself, I've gained a lot of strength from reading your posts on motherhood. Thank you for being the example you are!