a little unsafe in my life

Here is another story I found in a notebook from when I was first pregnant with Blythe. It seems fitting still, as I embark on this journey to become a mother to two:

I didn't feel like I was ready, but I knew I didn't belong in my 18 year old body anymore. I needed to breathe in something bigger than me and I needed to be changed by it all. I needed to laugh at 2 in the morning and sleep until noon with people who would become my family. I needed to sit in a classroom where I didn't know all the answers. I needed to stress and study and eat chocolate and pizza. I needed it all, but I was too scared to let go-- I was scared to let go of my athletics and scared to let go of being known. I was scared to let go of the title of Student Body President, and scared to let go of never being afraid.

But I needed a little unsafe in my life.

So I went. I packed a million things and I went. I drove away, but still looked in that review mirror because no matter what the moves tell you, you have to look back. I pulled onto campus, 18 years old and brimming with ideas and energy and fear, so much fear. Fear of losing him. Fear of losing everything that was me. Fear of forgetting it all. But I needed it. So I walked to room 211 and threw open the door to my new life. My new life of tears and laughter and fear and pain and growing and heartache and community. I threw the door open to a messy life of learning how to be an adult; a messy life I would share with hundreds of others in that journey.

And now I've closed that door. Not without trepidation and fear. I'm scared to let go again. I'm afraid to let go of 22 year old me and life in the dorms and a simple married life in an apartment with a plant and broken water heater. I'm afraid to need a set bedtime and car repairs and a mortgage. I'm afraid to leave that me behind.

But I need to have a family of my own to grow old with, and I need to learn to pay bills and comfort friends in loss. And I need to learn how to invest in a job that matters. I need to let go of never being afraid.

I need a little unsafe in my life.

I need to breathe in something bigger than me, and I need to be changed by it all. Sometimes when I think of this life inside of me-- growing each day-- I am overwhelmed with responsibility. Responsibility to eat right and not run too quickly and cook my meat thoroughly. I feel the great responsibility to be more than I've ever had to be. Sometimes when I think of this life inside of me-- growing each day-- I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude to Someone bigger than myself. I feel the need to express appreciation more than I ever have. And sometimes when I think of this life inside of me I am overwhelmed with joy-- joy so full and so real that it spreads bigger than anything else in my life. I feel joy so great it wakes me in the morning. I feel joy bigger than me--Joy bigger than this life--Joy in creation.

And I am reminded of the messy life of learning how to be something more than I am. And I dive into the fear.