some things that drive me crazy

/a toilet that won't flush unless you hold the handle down for eleven minutes…er…10 seconds. I.E. my toilet. 

/"I seen." Nope. That's never correct.

/waking up with creases on my face that don't go away for 5 or 6 hours. What is that about?

/ folding laundry.

/an almost three year old that began potty training in July, who seemed to be getting it in December, who for the past two or three weeks has begun going in her pants more frequently than she does in the potty. Oh and the poop. Seriously. 

/ not being able to fall asleep at night. I used to be able to fall asleep before my head hit the pillow but in the last month I toss and turn and toss and turn…

/ when the amount of hashtags is longer than the caption for the picture…unless it's sarcastic hashtagging.

/ when I drink coffee on my way somewhere but then find my pack of gum is empty.

/ flossing. #soidont

/ losing my spot in a book and taking two minutes to find it again when I could have been reading

/ Pages. I love my Mac. But Word will forever be better.

/ half way into making cookies/supper and realizing you are missing a vital ingredient.

/ people calling a ponytail HOLDER a ponytail. They say, "Do you have an extra ponytail?" and I'm like, "I lost enough hair after having my babies, so no. Sorry. I do not have an extra ponytail. However, if you'd like a holder for your ponytail, a rubberband, an elastic? I have gobs of those."

ponytail
[wikepedia]

ponytail holder
[google images]

/ When Brent is like, "Oh. Hey. Can I please have a drink of your water?" and then finishes my glass. #getchaown

Oh, there are more. But I'll leave you to ponder these.

Also, I can't believe I forgot about My Antonia! That would probably be my number 5 favorite book, so add that to my post from a few days ago and click HERE to see the goodreads blurb about it.

trusting the mess and the grace

Last week I posted this picture on Instagram. It is grainy and not the best quality, but here it is in all its glory. For a caption I wrote:

My days are simple. Busy, messy, full. But simple. And I'm trying to memorize them before they are gone. 

I have a book/journal by Sabrina Ward Harrison called "The True and the Questions." In the intro she writes: Trust the mess and the not knowing…this is the real part, the most interesting part. This is yours... Trust the mess. Trust yourself. Leave ripples. 

There is so much unknown when I look at my almost three year old and eight month old. There is so much I wonder about, dream about, hope for. And that can get so easily lost in the everyday-ness we face. When Blythe has another potty accident right as I sit down to feed Becks I so quickly forget the importance of this day and the significance of this one fleeting moment.

One of life's hardest truths is that we don't get do-overs. There are no mulligans.

But we do get grace.
Lots and lots and lots of undeserved, unending grace.

I have to trust the messiness of our everyday lives. I have to trust that dance parties in the living room and peas spilled on the kitchen floor and bathwater soaking through the rugs and pinky fingers lifted during tea parties and bedtime stories and three a.m. comforting are leaving ripples.

And I have to stop myself. Slow myself.
Still myself.
I have to or I will miss it.

May Sarton said, "Teach us to care and not to care. Teach us to stand still." And that is what these daughters of mine are doing for me, and in a way I think that is what parenthood is all about: It is knowing when to not freak out when milk was spilled or a lip was busted or book page was ripped. It is knowing to care fiercely for your child's safety, character, and faith. And it is knowing when to stand still and accept the grace and beauty this life has given you in your children.

What you don't see in this picture is that it was in the mid afternoon. Becks had woke early, Blythe hadn't napped at all, and I was on the verge of losing all sense of control myself.

Parenting is terrifying. And yet parenting is leaping while we're afraid.

In another section of her book, Harrison writes, "Trust the mess and the grace….try to just soak a bit in the goodness of feeling so deeply for another." 

Most days you will find me wondering if I'm doing anything right, and questioning if my children will learn the important stuff. But most days you will also find me waist deep in the mess and the grace, soaking in the goodness of getting to be mom to Blythe and Becks.

top five

In high school I took every English class that was available, even the ones I didn't need.
I was an English major in college.
I taught Eighth Grade English.
I taught Journalism.
I taught Sophomore and Junior English.

And through all of that I read so very many books. I wish I had kept track. Some were assigned and I didn't care for them very much. Some were assigned and I loved them so deeply I've read them over and over. Some I picked up myself. Many were suggested to me. Some I taught because they fit my curriculum.

I've been a reader though ever since I was young. Very young. I have boxes of books from my childhood, and I thank my parents for giving me this gift. My mom held us on her lap, while we squirmed and giggled, and read us The Three Little Bears and Are You My Mother?. Often my dad read to my sister and I from whatever book he was reading, so we have stories tucked away from the Journals of Lewis and Clark, we know the detailed account of Jemimah Boone, and the winter at Valley Forge came alive as we were tucked under our covers and listening. Both my granmothers were big readers as well, and on visits to their houses I could be found curled up in Grandma Schoon's lap listening to Never Tease a Weasel, the pages worn from years of love, or under blankets on the porch with Grandma Ann hearing about a young Jewish boy during the war.

Reading, it would seem, is in my bloodstream.

I'm often asked, "What is your favorite book of all time?"
Sheesh. That's kind of like asking me which child is my favorite.

So here is a sort of answer to that question:
My top five-ish favorites.
In no particular order.

And you don't have to agree with me, just be gentle because these books are kind of like family. 

East of Eden

John Steinbeck

Steinbeck is definitely not for everyone. He is gritty and long winded. But oh how I love his work. I first read Of Mice and Men, like most high school students, and was shocked that a book could be so popular with such a cast of characters and such an ending. And then my senior year I read Grapes of Wrath and my love for Steinbeck was cemented [and I thought Of Mice and Men had a crazy ending?!]. You want to hug his characters, you want to hate his characters, you want to shake them and cry with them. But most importantly you know them.

I picked up East of Eden three or four years ago when my favorite book-loving friend [Brent's Grandma Pat] told me that if I liked Steinbeck then I had to read it. She even found a copy at a garage sale for me. I dove right in because when they woman tells you to read a book, you best be reading it.

Here is the blurb about the book from Goodreads:

Set in the rich farmland of California’s Salinas Valley, this sprawling and often brutal novel follows the intertwined destinies of two families—the Trasks and the Hamiltons—whose generations helplessly reenact the fall of Adam and Eve and the poisonous rivalry of Cain and Abel. Here Steinbeck created some of his most memorable characters and explored his most enduring themes: the mystery of identity; the inexplicability of love; and the murderous consequences of love’s absence. 

Oh my word. Just reading that got my blood pumping again thinking about this book. I will say this: the best villain ever created in literature very possibly lies in the pages of this book. I remember finishing this book and laying back on my pillow and just closing my eyes relishing in the moment. Steinbeck said he believes every author really has "one book" and that all the books leading up to Eden were his practice--this was his book. 

I've read it twice and can't wait to read it again. Every page brought some form of satisfaction.

To Kill a Mockingbird

Harper Lee

Just the thought of having a small moment to talk about this book right here, right now, makes me so happy. Harper Lee must have really believed that every author had one book, because this was it for her. And it is perfect in nearly every way if you ask me. I first read this book my freshman year of High School. I remember making Scout out of modeling clay for a project, trying to perfect her overalls and boyish hair. I read it again in college as a break from my other assignments. And then I had the complete joy to come back to it again when I was a teacher.

I have written about this book several times on my blog, like when I mentioned it was one of my favorite things or why I think I could connect with it at the level I do because of where I am from. Actually, it has it's own label on this blog because I've mentioned it so many times.

Here is the blurb from goodreads.com:

The unforgettable novel of a childhood in a sleepy Southern town and the crisis of conscience that rocked it, To Kill A Mockingbird became both an instant bestseller and a critical success when it was first published in 1960. It went on to win the Pulitzer Prize in 1961 and was later made into an Academy Award-winning film, also a classic.

Compassionate, dramatic, and deeply moving, To Kill A Mockingbirdtakes readers to the roots of human behavior - to innocence and experience, kindness and cruelty, love and hatred, humor and pathos.

You can ask any of my former students, and they will tell you that my love for this book runs deep. Maybe too deep? Not possible. It is truly a work of art and people of a variety of ages can read it and all will walk away with something different. Okay. If you made me pick right this second and there was only one book out of my top five that I could read over and over again, it would be this one. I'm pretty sure. I've read it at least 10 times and the depth at which I enjoy it never ceases. 

Unbroken

Laura Hillenbrand

Holy schmoly. This book. I really enjoy non-fiction and this one is simply stunning. The story of Louie Zamperini is one of those that is "stranger than fiction", and the way in which Hillenbrand writes his story is flawless. I had heard a lot about this book, and most people sang its praises, but I just never picked it up. Two summers ago though when the days were long and Blythe napped beautifully, I finally opened it.

It is the story of a man named Louis Zamperini, a young Olympic athlete who was drawn into the second great war as a bombardier. After his aircraft goes down in the Pacific, he is left to fight for his life with little more than a raft, an entire set of broken ribs, and his fierce and spirited resolve. Sharks, starvation, and the beating sun prove to be the lesser of the evils he faces, as the Japanese "rescue" him from his peril, only to beat him down further as a prisoner of war. Goodreads summarizes what he faces: "Driven to the limits of endurance, Zamperini would answer desperation with ingenuity; suffering with hope, resolve, and humor; brutality with rebellion. His fate, whether triumph or tragedy, would be suspended on the fraying wire of his will." 

I started this book thinking it would be a bit of a labor to finish. I was soon proved wrong. I fell in love with Zamperini. I had a hard time putting the book down, because putting it down meant leaving Louie in some perilous situation-- the only way I could help him out was to keep turning pages. It got to the point I was taking the book everywhere I went: I would be pumping gas and hop back in the car to cram a few pages in before the pump clicked off, or I would read a paragraph or two while brushing my teeth. I took it to a wedding! [I didn't read it during the ceremony though]. I started reading it out loud to Brent just so I didn't feel bad not talking to him while we were in the car, and soon he was sucked into the story as well. 

The story of what he endured and survived is incredible, but I also love Zamperini's undeniable faith at the end of it all: "When he thought of his history, what resonated with him now was not all that he had suffered but the divine love that he believed had intervened to save him." He doesn't stay "unbroken" after the war, and in his brokenness finds his ultimate salvation in Christ. It is a story of hope and forgiveness and the tenacity of the human will. I've only read it once because I checked it out from the library, but I'm buying it soon and will read it again! 

[side note: this movie is out in theaters now. Read the book first, please. The movie is well done though, but the entire story of his life after the war is only a blurb at the end and it is worth reading in its entirety]. 

The Book Thief

Markus Zusak

Three summers ago I was visiting a friend and saw this book on her shelf. I asked her about it and she couldn't stop telling me how great it was. A few months later I saw it on the shelf at a thrift store for 25 cents. 25 cents?! I snatched it up and didn't put it down until I finished it. Like the other books on this list, I felt so much when I read it. And like most of the books on this list I was moved to tears by the story and to goosebumps by the writing. 

It takes place in Nazi Germany and is narrated by Death. At first this is difficult to "get into", but as the story progresses it really works. The story follows Leisel, a young girl who can't resist the lure of books after her adoptive "papa" teaches her to read. It is a story about the power of words in a dark place; about the beauty and darkness of humans. And rarely will you read a book that is this well written-- that will make you want to re-read the same paragraph five times, even though you just want to get on with the story and know what happens next. I found a quote from Anne Fodiman that says, "If you truly love a book, you should sleep with it, write in it, read aloud from it, and fill its pages with muffin crumbs." I believe I did all those things with this book. This book will make you think, it will make you question, and, if you're like me, will make you appreciate the beauty of the written word again. Someday when I am back in a classroom I WILL teach this book.

Another reviewer on the goodreads.com website captured it well: "I give this 5 stars, BUT there is a disclaimer: If you want a fast read, this book is not for you. If you only like happy endings, this book is not for you. If you don't like experimental fiction, this book is not for you. If you love to read and if you love to care about the characters you read about and if you love to eat words like they're ice cream and if you love to have your heart broken and mended on the same page, this book is for you." I couldn't agree more.


I once mentioned how much I love this book and a fellow book lover agreed and said she carried it around with her for a few days after she was finished because she just needed to still be near it for awhile. I felt just as strongly about it when I read it the second time.

And yes, there is a movie now. The movie is actually fairly well done, and captures the essence of the story and bits of the beauty of the characters. But PLEASE read the book. PLEASE. I beg you. There is SO much more that the movie just doesn't have TIME to tell. [Like many of these books turned movies]. 

And number five? I couldn't decide. Here are some that are probably in the running [if you click on them I have linked them to their goodreads review].

A Thousand Splendid Suns

Khaled Hosseini

Cutting for Stone

Abraham Verghese

The Help

Kathryn Stockett

Mere Christianity

C.S. Lewis

And what is funny is that some of my favorite authors aren't even on this list: Donald Miller, Ann Lamott, and Bill Bryson. And I love In Cold Blood [Capote] and Columbine [Cullen] and Jane Eyre [Bronte]…

I'm currently reading a few books [I used to never read more than one book at a time, but now I just keep books in different places of the house]: The Opposite of Loneliness by Marina Keegan, AHA by Kyle Idleman, Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson, and I just finished A Painted House by John Grisham [first Grisham book I've read and I loved it, though this one is different than his typical stuff I've heard].

I would love to hear from you: What would make your top five list? Or What are some good books you've read recently? Or What is on your to-read list this year? 

when friends move away…again

a portion of this post appeared a few years ago

Every so often in your life you have people come along that you know are going to be around for the long haul. They are people that, after only spending a few times together, you know will help change you and challenge you in significant ways.

When Brent and I moved to Louisville after college, we had some pretty incredible friendships we were leaving behind. I was horrified at the thought of living in a city. I was lonely. I was scared. I was starting a new job. I was starting a new marriage. The friends I had spent four years pouring my life into in college were now scattered across the country like a tube of spilled glitter. We knew we were entering a lot of unknowns in our new city, but one thing that hit me really hard was feeling unknown. I am a social person by nature. I love good conversation. I love sharing meals with people. And I love being known. 

I sat in a small apartment all summer, sweating because I was afraid of what running the air conditioner too high would cost, and I felt so alone. I wouldn't leave the apartment because I didn't want to get lost. For awhile I didn't even have internet and I felt completely disconnected.  This went on for quite some time. I cried many a tear. And then we played on a little co-ed softball team with some of the interns that Brent was getting to know, meaning I actually was going to get to SPEAK TO PEOPLE! After our first ball game, we were all sprawling on the grass, stretching or pretending like we were stretching so the others would actually think we used our muscles [ha! I fooled them]. That's when it happened: This girl who spelled her name with an extra "A" came over to me [she wasn't even going to go to the trouble of fake stretching…I liked her already]. 

 "Hey," Meagan said "…" I don't know exactly what we talked about next but somewhere in there she said, "I know we haven't been married much longer than you guys but if you ever need to talk to someone when like, ya know, he leaves the shower curtain outside of the tub instead of inside or whatever, let me know." 

A week later I was driving home from school and Brent called, "Let's invite Meagan and Shane over for supper…tonight." My brain freaked out a little, thinking about figuring out what to make for supper and how to clean the apartment in the 2-3 hours I would have if we did invite them. But then, I thought about how lonely I had been in our little one bedroom apartment, how stressed I was with work, how big the city was, and I said, "Okay. Give them a call and let me know if it works." 

We were about to spin the dice. It could be awkward and uncomfortable, or we could potentially find some people to hang out with. Two and half hours later, fettucini alfredo was on the table, with some sliced apples and apple dip and there was a knock at the door. In they walked, and though it may sound terribly cliche to say, our lives haven't been the same since. 

I pretended to ignore Shane picking the onions out of the pasta, and we talked and talked and realized how similar our hometowns were, how much we had in common. We talked about WWII, and books, and then we cleared the table and walked the three feet to the living room. We were going to watch a movie, but that never happened because we were too busy talking. I laughed until I cried that night.  At one or two in the morning when they left, Brent and I knew we had found our "lifers." [I wrote about it the next day, because it made such an impact on me.] It's also important to note here that by the time we left Louisville we had made many other lasting and important friendships that we are equally thankful for to this day. There was no better place to be in, and no better people to be with, for us to start our marriage .  

Since then we have gone on vacations with them, we helped them move from Louisville, then we said goodbye as they moved to Delaware and we moved back to Missouri. We've celebrated holidays with them, we've traveled many hours to see them, and played many, many a card game with them. We've sat, rather cozy, four across on one of our couches to watch a movie and share a bowl of popcorn. We've crashed their hotel rooms when they travel anywhere near us, and we've held back the tears [or not] as one of us has always had to drive away.

After time, it was strange to realize we'd only actually lived in the same place for a period of about a year, and half of that time was unfortunately wasted, not knowing the goldmine of friendship waiting for us on the other side of the city. 

We'd grown accustomed to the distance, and it's amazing how it didn't hindered a thing. We could go months without talking, just staying connected via blogs, and a few texts here and there. And then one of us would get that aching feeling and the need to skype or do a marathon phone call.

We've always pestered the other about moving closer, or next door, or just moving in.

That is why, two years ago, when we got a phone call from them we weren't sure if we could actually believe them. They told us they were moving. This part was not a surprise as they move quite often [see above ;)], but then they told us where: the Kansas City area! They would be a little over an hour away, practically neighbors for all we cared, as Shane had taken a worship position at a church there. 

Two years ago they packed up their uhaul and drove and drove and drove. And then they were here. HERE! Well, sort of. An hour and a half away. But basically HERE! We thought it would never happen. I never wanted to live in Louisville, but it birthed several great friendships, and gave us Meagan and Shane forever. When we left we never thought we'd be able to just hop in the car and visit them for just a day. When we left we thought we were stuck with phone calls and long distance drives, and packed suitcase trips to maintain our friendship. 

And then they were here. And the past two years went so quickly. Meagan's photography business exploded [as it should have because she's so talented] and she was traveling a lot to meet clients, and Shane worked weekends and was gone most of the summer with student ministry stuff. We had a one year old.  Then that one year old grew and we had another baby. Needless to say, sometimes the one and a half hour felt a whole lot further away. But just knowing they were there? That was enough sometimes. 

And then a month and a half ago we got the news. Shane found a perfect job closer to their families. Further away from us. 

Yesterday they drove a moving truck filled with their stuff and their jeep filled with their dog a long way away from us. 

Six and a half years ago they came over for some fettucini.  Meagan was sick and then our house had stuff and we never got the big, last hang out we wanted or needed, but last week we said goodbye over some pasta at Olive Garden. And I am sad. But mainly I am thankful. 

I am thankful that I have friends who make me sad when they leave. I am thankful that I have friends who can make me laugh, or cry, or think. I am thankful that I have friends that drive 3 hours in one day and bring me a cup of coffee and sit on my couch for a few hours. I am thankful that I have friends who pray for me, and challenge me to step out in my faith in some way that scared me. 

I am forever grateful for the pictures Meagan captured of our family while she was here. 

I am thankful. 

I am thankful for this friendship and I know it will continue. I've written a lot about leaving before and it's hard to be the one staying sometimes too. Saying goodbye stinks. 

I wrote a piece in college about friendship, and in it I said: I now realize the beauty of moments with friends and how, when you let them happen to you, it's like letting a psalm happen to you. This happening fills your mouth and becomes prayer-- a deep kind of prayer-- a prayer that happens with every memory of a living room conversation. Open your mouth and He will fill it and things that are not prayer become prayer, and moments that are ordinary pierce us and fill us and we become holier because of them.

Meagan and Shane, 

Thanks for your friendship. Thanks for taking a chance on us and coming over to our apartment six and half years ago. Thank you for sharing the kind of friendship that becomes prayer. We love you guys and are excited to see what your next journey has in store. 

8 months of becks

The winner of the Dr. Brown's giveaway is Anne S.! [email me!]

click HERE for past monthly updates

and see how this little girl has grown

Blythe wanted to take a picture of "Becksy" 

Weight: ? My guess is around 16 lbs. I really have no idea

Clothes and Diapers: a few 6 month items but the pants are really too short for her now. 9 month stuff fits her the best but she is wearing a lot of 6-9 month as well. She's in size 3 diapers and I think she will stay in them for awhile. 

Eating: Nursing 4-5 times a day. She's really loving her solid food now. She eats baby oatmeal for breakfast, sometimes with fruit. For lunch and supper she is still mainly eating baby food, but A LOT of it! And just this past week she has been more and more interested in what we are eating and wants little bits of green beans or bread etc. If I cut them super tiny, she will eat 5 or 6 green beans after eating a ton of baby food! Her favorite mixes I've made for her have been corn/squash/pear [weird], and banana/strawberry/mango. 

Sleeping: Consistently taking two longer naps. Goes down for the night between 7/7:30 most days and sleeps until about 5, eats, then back to bed until about 8:30 and then is up for the day! She has slept a few nights through until 7:30 or 8, so I am going to cut out that 5 am feed because she has proven to me she doesn't need it. Check back in next month to see how that goes! 

accomplishments/ things to note: 

\ still incredibly content to sit and play. If she doesn't get tired by the end of her time in the nursery on Sundays they usually tell me that she sat and played for 20 minutes or so. And I'm never surprised :) 

\ she gives kisses. It is the absolute sweetest and best. She oh-so-slightly puckers up and just leans in. It's the cutest.
\ crawling? HECK no. Not even close. 

\ she is starting to clap and do a little patty-cake. 

\ when she wakes up in the morning or from her nap she is *generally* happy, and smiles at me, but she goes absolutely crazy when she sees Blythe. Every time. She just lights up and starts flapping her arms around like crazy. 

\ her first Christmas was a success. We were here there and everywhere and that little lady was a champ. On Christmas morning for the hour or so we had at home she sat contently and shook her new rattle and wrestled wrapping paper, smiling on cue when we looked at her. 

\she's so incredibly sweet and happy. It's kind of unbelievable. 

in sickness and in health

When Brent and I stood next to each other on our wedding day, we made a lot of promises. One of those promises was to love each other in sickness and in health. 

I'll be the first to admit I do a pretty poor job of this. The "in sickness part" is hard for me if it involves puke.  And if it involves being helpless to take it away. 

A week and a half ago Blythe started running a fever. She acted fine but when she woke up from an uncharacteristically long nap and her temperature had jumped to just shy of 105* I was concerned. My pediatrician was out of the office so I shot him a message shortly after five [he's awesome and checks these messages and responds pretty quickly]. He responded a little before 8 and said we needed to take her to the ER. He was concerned she had a UTI [she had one when she was pretty little] with a spiking fever. My mom sat with a sleeping Becks and we loaded up the van and woke up Blythe. "Where are we going?" she asked as we slipped some warmer pants on her. When I said we needed to go to the doctor her little sick eyes perked up and she was excited. Bless her soul. 

I figured she would fall asleep right away once we got in the van, but those big brown eyes stayed wide open the entire way to the hospital. By 10 o'clock we were in, and they swabbed her nose [which was a horrible experience and done very poorly] to check and see if it was Influenza A, and then we were off to the bathroom to try and get a sample to test for the UTI. By the time we got back from the bathroom it was confirmed: Influenza A. 

She stayed awake the majority of the way home and finally got to bed about midnight. The next two days were very rough. It was so hard for me to not be able to take the sickness and hurt and pain away from her. She was exhausted but couldn't sleep. And I was powerless. 

I cried some. I prayed over her and with her. I refilled and refilled humidifiers. I made her favorite foods. I kept a list of times and amounts of medicine on the bathroom mirror. But I couldn't take it away. 

And I realized that when I made that promise to Brent, I also made it to the children we would have together in the future. In sickness and in health, I will be your mom. In sickness and in health, I will hold you and sing to you. In sickness and in health, I will love you the best I can. 

Brent was awesome to help the moment he walked in the door in any way he could, even when he didn't feel well himself. In sickness and in health. 

And my mom stopped by everyday to check on Blythe. But I know she was really checking on me, too. She would bring juice and Emergen-C, and Kleenexes, and anything we needed! I felt bad that she was exposing herself to the nasty flu, and that she was bringing us stuff. But then I realized: she, too, was just being a mom in sickness and in health. 

I brought her a candle as a little thank you when we had all acquiesced, and I think she understood it was for taking care of me 29 years and not just when Blythe was sick.

When they are throwing up, it may be difficult. Even though sickness is tough, and exhausting, and you want so badly to take it away from those you love, sometimes it is harder to love in the everyday. Sometimes it's harder to love when their food is stuck to the floor, or when they haven't napped for three days straight. Sometimes it's hard to love in health. 

But in 10 years, and in 29 years, and in 35 years I hope my family says I took care of them in sickness and in health. 

yesterday's giveaway closes at midnight. 

check it out if you haven't had a chance.