I write to decompress. I write to express what is burning inside of me. And I haven't been doing that lately and it is now time. I have a few moments while she is sleeping right now. I have a million other things I could be doing [like getting OUT OF MY PAJAMAS at 2 in the afternoon!], but this is what I think I NEED to do for me right now.
First, before I dive in too far, let me just say that the Lord has blessed us with a truly wonderful and beautiful daughter. She rarely cries, just fusses. She eats like a champ. She is growing perfectly. She is sleeping for a 4-5 1/2 hour stretch at night now. Did I mention she is beautiful? And, though she is still a tiny little booger, Mom and I were just discussing today how I may not buy another package of newborn diapers the next go round! I think she may just be close to 8 pounds now! [Yes, Kali, I know…yours started out bigger than that :)]. She really is a sweet, sweet little girl, with lots of snuggles and love to give.
That being said, I have had my fair share of struggles this past month. Needless to say, my body has been through a traumatic experience [if you don't understand, YouTube "birthing videos" and you'll have a traumatic experience of your own]. I knew some recovery time from this was to be expected. I was around after Kali had Caroline and I understood that I would be emotional and in pain. But I still didn't really get it.
After we came home from the hospital my mom stayed with us for a week. To say that she was a whirling dervish of efficiency would be an understatement. Seriously I don't know how that woman did what she did that week, and still worked half days. I'm exhausted when I think about it. Brent and I were both unbelievably thankful for the time she was here. We also had a ton of wonderful people bring us meals, and Brent's mom also came over and helped out countless days to get us through that first bit. We will never be able to repay them. [I don't know if they are for hire, but if you're pregnant, you should seriously consider looking into it?!]
That first week came and went rather quickly. I was still uncomfortable, but on pain meds. Thank you, Jesus. And I mean that in a very serious way, not sacrilegious at all. Trust me. I remember the day clearly that I decided to wean myself off of the meds. I was so proud of myself. At this point, feeding her was still taking a lot of patience and was still a learning experience, however, I was pretty positive it was all going to be okay.
And then it just seems like my body decided that I had put it through too much, and that it needed to revolt against me. I don't want to go into too many details, but the next three weeks involved a lot of crying from pain and exhaustion, a lot of prescriptions being called in [creams, ointments, antibiotics…you name it!], an intense fever of almost 104, more frustration and pain with feeding her than I ever though possible, a support group for breastfeeding [in which the lactation consultant looked me over and said she couldn't believe I hadn't give up and had stuck with it for so long because of the state my…err…body was/is in. She said I must be really tough, though I don't feel like that right now], several calls to my doctor, the possibility of an outpatient surgery to deal with one of my "issues", etc etc etc. To say I'm a bit emotional about all of this, and exhausted, and frustrated is an understatement.
I know women have been in my shoes for centuries. I know many of you reading this are nodding your heads, reliving your own horror stories from the weeks post-delivery. And I know many of you right now want to tell me, "Hang in there…it gets better, I promise. Soon you'll forget you ever felt this way and you'll be ready to have more." But right now, while I'm living it every single moment of the day-- while I'm still struggling with feeding her, while I'm still in so much discomfort it hurts to sit sometimes, while my poor husband has to go get me yet another kleenex because I'm crying yet again-- it feels all- consuming and never ending.
And then I look at Blythe. So perfect. So wonderful. So healthy. I AM thankful I am the one struggling with issues and not her. I know I should be grateful my body was capable of having a baby naturally, and grateful to feel these pains that remind me of this…but I'm not quite there yet.
I know it all takes time. I do know that. I guess I just want to know exactly what day, what moment, that will happen.
I don't want this post to be a downer… nor do I post it to garner your sympathies. I simply needed to relax today, and this is how I relax best-- with pen and paper, or a keyboard at my finger tips. Also, I have documented this journey for Blythe from the beginning as honestly as I knew how, and I feel in some way she deserves to know this too; in some way, some day, she may want to read this part of my journey so she can best prepare for her own [and I hope she will see me in those days as I have seen my mom].
But I don't want to leave you simply on that note-- it's only fair I give you a few more pictures! :) Enjoy! And this is the reason it is ALL worth it in the end:
|Without this man, these past four weeks would not have been possible.|
|Cousins and tutus! How much fun will these three have over the years?|
|She of course had to dress the part for Torri's prom! [Thanks for the dress, Ana!]|