SIX

To my dear, sweet Blythe Kathleen: 

You are now six! SIX! This year as you transitioned from five to six we all had to take a lot of transitions with you. When you turned five it still felt like you were still this little kid. You had some toddler chubbiness clinging to you, and if I looked at you just right, I could still see my little baby Blythe. But over the year you've grown taller, you've slimmed down, and you are looking very much like a big girl to all of us now.

You learned how to swim this year, and by day three you said, "I can dive in, you know?" And then you just DID IT. You DOVE in the deep end! And that is what this year, this transition to the big number six, has felt like all along-- it has felt like you getting your feet underneath you at new things and gaining confidence with every step.

You started T-ball this summer, and you really enjoyed it. You were a good teammate, cheering on your friends, and your dad and I saw more and more just how coachable you are. We would work on an adjustment to your swing, or how you were standing in the batter's box, and at your next at bat you would march up to the tee and take your time getting everything set exactly as we had shown you. That coachability will go a long way, girl!

You started Kindergarten...and never looked back. You adore you teacher, you love to read, PE has been a favorite, and you've made so many new friends. You weren't so sure about recess in the beginning, because it was SO hot outside and you sweat SO much. But it grew on you. You've been named citizen of the month, you were voted "class president" by your classmates, and you won second place in an art poster contest. You've really started figuring out how to write you thoughts as well which is so much fun. I think the only thing you haven't mastered is focusing long enough at lunchtime to actually eat your lunch! Your first Saturday home from school I asked how you were and you replied, "Good, cause I've been busying around with all that school stuff!" You also informed your sister, "Becks, you're going to learn A LOT when you go to Kindergarten, like not to scream...and...whatever." You also think it's pretty awesome that Stacy is at school too. You told me, "Everyone at school calls Stacy Mrs. Blythe, and they don't know she's my best friend." I miss you a lot during the day-- we had spent all our days together since you were born!-- but I am grateful that you are excited to go to school every day. You are just starting school, but you have years and years of it ahead of you. May you learn and grow in big ways, but more importantly may you show kindness and grace and by joy to others. May you make friends, but more importantly may you be a friend when someone needs it most. May your little light shine brightly in the halls of your school not just this year, but always, and may God use that place for His glory and may you get to be a part of that story.

I've felt more and more this year the truth that I have so little control over your life... and you know what? I am grateful for that. I am so grateful that as you take these steps into the world further and further away from me that I don't have to feel out of control, because God is right there with you. I know He will lead you and guide you, and I pray daily that you look to Him and pursue Him with each step your feet so confidently take.

Blythe, you continually impress us with your kindness and generosity toward your little sisters. Even today, on your birthday, when you opened your gift that was a set to paint horses, you counted and saw that there were three and immediately divvied them up among the three of you. This year I have watched you grow in your relationship with Becks. You two will play for hours and hours and rarely or barely need any intervention. Obviously, things sometimes get stirred up, like the time you came to me and said, "MOM! I'm having a big fuss with Becks!" But one time I overheard you two playing and you said, "Becks, can you please get two pieces of tape for me?" Becks said she could and retrieved the tape, to which you responded, "Wow. I can't believe how polite we are being to each other!" But usually, even when your younger sisters aren't the most polite to you, you have a lot of patience and try hard to be kind to them. I also taught you this year how to get Nan out of her crib and change her diaper, and you love to do that some mornings for me. And I love it too!

This year you also had to face a few hard things, and you handled them with grace and thoughtfulness. First, you had to say goodbye to your cousins as they moved overseas to follow their calling. We had been able to spend a couple of weeks with them, and you have always had a special bond, especially with Ellie. But you said goodbye and you prayed for them and you continue to ask questions about them and show an interest in them. It was a big and tough goodbye for someone your age. And shortly after they left, you had another tough goodbye: your baby brother or sister went to heaven. You had been so excited for this little life, already looking forward to welcoming him or her into our home. And yet, when your dad and I told you, you asked a couple of questions, and accepted it. You bring baby Jordan back up from time to time, and your so kind in how you speak of your sibling. I was very proud of the way you handled this situation as well.

 You still love to draw. You are constantly drawing or creating something. You're imagination blows me away. And another huge love for you this year was HORSES! Horse everything for you! You think we should actually get a horse, but so far I've been able to talk you out of that. You are playing horses all the time with your sisters, and I find lead ropes and apple cores around the house and I know it's been a good day of horse play. Another thing you still love is your friend, Torri, as well. At Christmas you got a set of friendship necklaces from Nana, and you chose to give one of them her. For your birthday when I asked what you wanted to do, at first you said you wanted to go to Silver Dollar City, but when that wouldn't work you decided you wanted Torri to come to our house and have a game night with you. You said that would "be EVEN BETTER than Silver Dollar City." And of course, Torri agreed.

Your little mind is always turning, and you never miss a beat even if you don't know something exactly. [Example: you asked me for the "fly swopper"]. One of my favorite examples of this this year was at Thanksgiving when I overheard you with your cousin George [almost 5]. The topic of Indians came up and George insisted they weren't real. But you said, "Yes! Indians invented Thanksgiving!" George, also not missing a beat, quickly said, "No! Jesus did." And in true Blythe fashion you responded, "Yes, The Indians, the pilgrims, AND Jesus." You also got a diary this year, and your first entry was, "I stortid as a baby in the hospitol and Mommey had me on March 23 and I grow up from a baby to a kid and I trnd 1 2 3 4 5 and 6."

 Blythe, your dad sings each of you girls a little diddy that he made up specifically for you, and as you know yours says, "Blythe Kathleen, she's my beautiful, wonderful, silliest girl. Anyone can see that this girl is so sweet, cute from head to feet. She's my beautiful, wonderful, silliest girl." And you really are all of those things to us. We absolutely love how silly you can be. You've always had a great sense of humor, and it only continues to grow as you get older.

Since you were being knit together in my womb we have prayed four traits over you: joyfulness, compassion, modesty, and hospitality. We continue to see these grow more and more in you. Just tonight I was reading you the book, "The Oak in the Acorn." In that book the "Mom" oak tree tells the little acorn, who is scared and timid to fall away from the branch of his mother, "Inside of you is a great oak. Just be the tree God made you to be." And with each birthday I know we are getting closer and closer to that break from the branch. You are six now, and I already see traits that God is developing in you that He will use to do great things with you are 16, and 26, and 36. Lean into Him, Blythe. Be the girl that He made you to be.

We love you so deeply and so abundantly, and just know that our love pales in comparison to our great Father's love for you. May you know your worth and identity in Him always. We will fail you as parents because we are broken and sinful, too, but He is always trustworthy, always True, and always faithful. And He is pursuing you, sweet Blythe. Like I have said in all my letters to you:  we hope you understand the why behind our no-s. We hope you feel safe in the boundaries we set. We hope you feel freedom in the wide open places we leave for you. We hope you see God in our actions and in our words. We hope when you leave our little home for good and go out on your own that you'll look back on this simple little life we had together-- chaos and mistakes and messes and all-- and see that it was Grace that held us together; that you see that it was God's daily bread that provided it all.

Blythe, you are a rare one in this world in all the best and most beautiful ways.

Happy birthday, Blythe Kathleen! There is nothing you can ever do that will make us stop loving you.

Merry Christmas

Friends and family,

Here we are again at the end of another year, and here I am again pretending to print this out and mail it in a cute envelope to your door.

Here is a brief update on each of the souls that occupies our little family of five:

Blythe Kathleen, age 5 and 9 months:

Blythe turned five this year and that seems to be the year for a lot of big things. This summer she was able to start playing T-ball, and while she's not overly competitive or fast, she had a blast. This fall she started Kindergarten at our local school and is absolutely thriving. She has a wonderful teacher, enjoys PE, chocolate milk at lunch, and learning just about anything. There is never a day that passes that she doesn't create something. I am constantly telling her to pick up her markers or scraps of paper, or tape, or glue, or....anything she can get her hands on. She adores her sisters and will quickly give up whatever she is playing with just to keep the peace. She has a great sense of humor, can make a game of anything, and has an inquisitive mind. Quality time, sweets, and horses are her love languages.

Becks Lynae: age 3 and 7 months

Becks turned three in May, and three can be a hard age for little girls, but she has grown so much this year [not really physically--she's still the smallest, cutest little thing]. Becks has a fire inside of her that just can't be extinguished, and it shows up in her excitement for something as small as walking to the mailbox, and it also shows up in her defiance over something as small as which socks I have chosen for her to wear. She is without a doubt the most compassionate of our children-- she actually burst into tears this summer when we made a trip to Silver Dollar City and saw a guy collapse from the heat. She always has a song on her lips, an expression in her big blue eyes, and really does miss Blythe during the day. She now gets to be the sole participant on Nature Days with Papa and is thoroughly enjoying that time. Turn anything into a competition and she is more likely to jump on board. More of an introvert, Becks can entertain herself for hours with a stack of books or a coloring book.  Long hugs, back scratches, unicorns, and gum are her love languages. 

And last but the loudest in our home,

Nan Louise: age 1 and 8 months

Nan turned one in April and never looked back! I don't think she understands that she is the youngest in the family; if something is happening she wants to be right in the middle of it. The only redhead in our family, she makes a name for herself in sweetness and in sourness. Her heart is tender to the word, "No," even though she hears it often. She is tall and lean, and either eats like it's the only meal she has gotten that day or shoves her plate away and refuses to touch anything. If someone is talking, her voice needs to be heard as well. She loves bath time and snack time and bed time. She is starting to repeat just about anything she hears, and in a house with three other women, she hears a lot of talking! Cheerios, her grandpas, and being outside are her love languages. 

Brent is still at the bank here in town, working as the compliance officer. He enjoys his work and especially enjoys the environment in which he gets to work, for which we are both grateful. He enjoyed our trip to Colorado with my sister and my parents, as he got to act like a kid with his brother in law, Dan, and climb and run up mountains. He is also pouring himself into some men's ministries at our church and is excited about the relationships and momentum that are building there. He still loves to run, and is adding more triathlons to his resume every year as well. He ran two 5ks, and two half marathons this year, and also competed in two triathlons [one was a sprint, and one was a little longer and his first swim in open water].  He also is one of the few people that can diffuse my craziness in such a way that I end up laughing.

 I'm still staying home with the girls. This fall I quit my part time gig at the church, but am still helping out with a few things here and there as I can. Photography and making signs has kept me very busy [this fall especially], and I am grateful to all of you who have let me use my creativity in these ways. For mother's day this year Brent gave me a ticket to a writer's conference, and I hope to start writing more over the next year. Our three girls keep my days super full, but I am often overwhelmed at the sheer magnitude of what I get to do every day as I pour into them.

Also, Brent and I are no longer "just 30" but now pushing mid-thirties and I said to him the other day that we're at that age where we start to put stock in the importance of good pillows and face products. What is happening?

This year we were able to go to Silver Dollar City a couple of times thanks to season passes from Brent's parents. We had a pet turtle, Slippy, for a few days. He/she/it was the best pet we will ever have. Brent and I made a quick trip to Nashville, just the two of us, in the Spring to help my sister and Dan pack some things and spend time with them [with only 4 instead of 7 kids]. We also got to stay in Estes Park, Colorado with my entire family thanks to some generous friends of my sister. We had several days just soaking up time together before my sister's departure. We then said goodbye to her and her family in August, as they boarded a plane to fly overseas to their new home. Shortly after they left, our hearts were broken as we learned  that I had miscarried the baby we had announced earlier that month. I wrote three posts during that time [Here, Here, and Here],  and we spent a good chunk of the fall grieving that loss but also living into the joy and peace we are promised.

And that valley makes this season even sweeter because, even though we wish we were hanging another stocking, we are learning anew the depth of the Love that came to us that first Christmas. We have learned the tender mercies of our Father who chose to send and sacrifice His own child. Our grief was raw and real, but Hosea prophecied Christ's coming and said in 5:5, "He will be our peace." Emmanuel. God with us, indeed.

The not so great news of Christmas is that we are powerless on our own. But the great, good, wonderful news? Jesus came. And that coming is a thrill of hope that the weary world can rejoice in.

 Thank you for loving us well this year. Wishing you a hope-filled Christmas to truly rest in the gift of Jesus' birth.

Merry Christmas,
Brent, Kelsey, Blythe, Becks, & Nanny Lou

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

little things

If you are just joining me, start here for some background on my recent miscarriage:

One [finding out and initial grief]

Two [people showing up for us]

Three [our grief journey and naming our child]

I don't plan on writing a lot more specifically about this loss, though I know it will come up in lots of cracks and crevices and in other stories. However, I did want to mention a few specific gifts and tangible things that were given to us during this time that were beautiful and simple and meant so very much during the rawest time of our grief. 

Like me, I'm sure you have known many friends or family who have experienced this type of loss. It can be hard to know how to navigate, but I would simply say: Please navigate it with them. Say something, or give them a hug if they are huggers. Because I've been in your shoes, I know what it's like to not know what to do or say. Nothing will fix it. Nothing will take away their grief. But showing up in big and small ways will shoulder some of it for them and with them, and it will be the breadcrumbs and breath that lead them back to the Bread of life and that will breathe life back into the valley of dry bones. 

That being said, I wanted to share a few specific things that were meaningful to me during this time in case you are wondering what you can do for someone else:

> Cards<

 Every trip to the mailbox ended up being sweet balm to my soul as I would receive another note or card from friends-- some very close to me and others who I may not see or talk to for years. Some wrote their own words, others simply signed a sympathy card, and that was enough. It was enough just to receive something that told me they were aware and "in" the grief with me. [Facebook messages were also good, but I'm old fashioned ;)]. 

>Flowers< 

I received a couple of different arrangements from friends and family. To put them in my kitchen and living room-- to fill a space with something beautiful-- felt refreshing.

>Gift Cards<

Friends and family sent me a handful of gift cards to my favorite places to eat. They lived out of state, but wanted to "show up" for me in a real and tangible way. Providing a couple meals for my family was very thoughtful, especially during a time that cooking is the last thing on my mind. I wasn't always hungry, but my family had to be fed. And providing me with giftcards to my favorite place [Olive Garden!] insured that I would eat too!

Also, I think an iTunes gift card would be a wonderful gesture as well. I bought an album during this time that someone had pointed me to [Ellie Holcomb's Red Sea Road], and it ministered to me in deep ways. 

>Meals/Favorite Snacks<

Similar to the above, but from friends who were near. Not only is grief a good time to show up for people in this way, but I hadn't realized or thought about the physical side of a miscarriage much. But there is pain involved. Sometimes surgery. And not having to be on my feet and making meals was a blessing in so many ways. Plus getting to have people come and drop them off and/or eat them with me was what I needed. I also had a friend just drop off some Oreos, a card, and a box of kleenexes. It was perfect.  [You know your friends, some of them may not want people at their house for long, others may want you to pull up a chair. If you don't know which they are, ask. And then leave or sit.] 

>Lullaby of Hope box<

A sweet couple that I went to college with send me a "Peace box" from the non profit, Lullaby of Hope. She volunteers for them, and I cannot explain how beautiful this package was. I just sat with it for awhile, looking through all the perfectly thought-through gifts inside. The book that was in the box, "Grieving the Child I Never Knew", has also been wonderful. Please, go to their website and check them out-- they have boxes for miscarriage, infertility, and the loss of an infant. 

Lullaby of Hope website HERE

>Jewelry<

I had a few different friends who gifted me jewelry of some kind and I love these as a way to remember this baby's life. 

One friend gave me a beautiful bracelet from The Jones Market. 

It came packaged beautifully with a print and, bonus, this jewelry is made to be tugged at and chewed on by children. 

Another found this beautiful shop on Esty [MinMac] and gifted me this necklace: 

 She also sent me this screen shot in a text, and told me it was my necklace in the seller's hand when she wrote that post. Incredible. 

I have birthstone rings that I wear for each of the girls, so I wanted to also have this baby's birthstone [due in February]. My sweet online friend, Bonnie, happens to have the perfect shop [Hey June] for what I needed. I ordered one for my mom and my mother in law as well. 

I love this necklace and have worn it daily since it came in the mail. 

>Willow Tree<

I'm sure most of you have seen Willow Tree figures, and they were such a touching and perfect gift during this time. I was given these two figurines, which were both perfect for this specific loss:

"Remembrance"

"The Guardian"

>Handmade bear<

My aunt has made a bear for each of my girls when they were babies. She is insanely talented. I couldn't even tell you the first step at making a bear... buy fur? Regardless, she gave me a bear for this baby, Jordan, as well. Maybe you don't make bears, but there is something thoughtful or meaningful like this that you could do as well? [My aunt does sell these, by the way ;)] 

<<<|||>>>

I have probably forgotten something. People were just so good to me. Just check in. Say something. Send something. Show up. Know your friend. Maybe they don't want to talk about it, but your presence could be part of their healing. Maybe they don't want something sitting on their shelf to remind them, but a good meal in their belly will start turning ashes to beauty. 

Also, remember. Remember their loss for them. Remember the baby that was but never was but will always be. Just remember. And let them know on the hard days [holidays, mother's day, the due date], that you remember. 

Thank you to those of you who were present in this with me. The big and small things, the in between stuff, and the remembering have meant so much.