ONE: Sloan Lee

Sloan Lee,

You, little man, are one whole entire year old. One year of your grunty laughs, your pudgy hands pawing at everything, your drool everywhere, and your heart-melting smile. One year since they laid you on my chest, we all checked to see if you were really a boy, and I couldn't believe the weight of you. To get to the first birthday always seems like a mind trick to me: on the one hand, it happens in a flash. And yet, on the other hand, it seems to take a very long time to get here. The first year is not an easy one, and yet I can honestly say with you it was the easiest first year we've experienced in this family. Moving into a new house and doing a major renovation was, without a doubt, one of the most stressful things we have ever done. You were only two months old when this happened, and yet you were a light and a joy in the midst of the chaos. 

Sloan, I think you were the first child I was not just a little bit scared to have. With Blythe I was excited, but it was all so fresh and new and I just didn't know what being a mother meant or what any of it really entailed. With Becks I was nervous about adding to our family-- what would caring for TWO children look like? Could I handle it? My transition to one was so hard, would two break me? And then with Nan I felt like we were really entering the danger zone and possibly biting off more than we could chew. Jumping from two to three was challenging. And then I lost a baby, Sloan. My fourth baby was never born alive on this earth, and so I think by the time I knew of your existence inside of me my heart had been refined by fire. I had learned the opposite of faith isn't unbelief, but it is fear. And so I open my hands and decided to welcome you without fear; to welcome you with a heart full of faith in our very big God who can turn ashes into beauty. And transitioning to a family of six was the easiest transition yet. 

Blythe wanted to add the little dinosaur for one picture:) 

 I think a few things factored into this year for us. First, my faith had grown and I knew God was kind and gracious enough to fill in all of my gaps as a mother. I knew you were fine in His hands, and so mine felt much lighter. Another factor was that I was 32 and no longer 25, like I was when I first became a mom. I was out of my internship years. Which I think, when you're a parent, simply means that you move up only because you've learned you don't know very much and you're in control of very little. You would think this would stress you out more as a parent, but in a weird way it just completely relaxes you and mellows you out. And the final factor, of course, was you. From the get go you were just a pretty awesome guy. Sure, you can be loud, you cry, you poop your pants, etc. But your soul seems steady.

 You don't cuddle and show affection, and yet we can tell you're head over heels for us. Some of your favorite things include eating, eating, and eating. ;) But you also enjoy being outside, your sisters [when they aren't man-handling you], wrestling with your dad, and taking baths. You're favorite word [and probably person] is "Dada! Dada! Dada!" You will eat anything we put in front of you. One thing that was different with you this year than with your sisters was that I didn't nurse you. You were bottle fed from month two on, and you were a champ at it. It was the absolute best decision for us, and I'm so glad we did it. Around ten months I switched you to a sippy cup and whole milk, and within a week you had totally transitioned just fine. You've always taken great naps, and you are ready for bed by seven o'clock. You're still primarily crawling because you are a speed-demon at it, but for the past month you've been taking lots and lots of steps. You'll walk clear across the living room, so I think a full transition to walking is coming up soon. I'm a little sad about it, only because you do the cutest thing when you crawl: you ball your right fist up like an ape and crawl on your knuckles. Just trust me, it's the cutest, and I'll probably make you reenact it when you're 16.

Sloan Lee, we prayed for you from the moment we knew it was you. We prayed you would be filled with courage, and that you would have a gentleness from the Spirit that permeates your life. We prayed that you would have wisdom, knowing the right next thing even in the hard times. And we prayed that you would remain steadfast, committed and devoted to your God and to your future family and friends, the kind of steadfast love that resounds with The Most Steady Love anyone could ever know. And we've continued to pray these traits for you over the past year, and we will continue to as you grow.

One funny thing this year to watch has just been your sheer size. You were our biggest baby by well OVER a pound, and you didn't slow down! Everyone always guesses you are months beyond your actual age. None of your sisters weighed even twenty pounds when they turned a year, and you are pushing thirty. We love it. You're very tall, and very piiiiiinnnnnchable, as your dad would say. You also hold onto us when we are carrying you-- your grip our arm, clench your legs, and you're just very sturdy. We feel like we could let go and you would still be holding us! It's one of your dad's favorite things about you right now, and something he says he wants to always remember is your grip on his arm like that.

This is our last first birthday to celebrate. And I want to celebrate and enjoy these last firsts with you, and not miss them because I'm already lost in the nostalgia of it all. I can't wait for this year of firsts with you, even if they are our last ones!

Sloan, we just love you to pieces. Your auburn hair and your deep brown eyes and lashes have us hooked. It's always funny how quickly a completely new human can just become the norm, but it was almost instant with you buddy-- as soon as we brought you home, it was as if we couldn't remember life before you. Thank you for filling this year with your peels of joy, your raspy and grunty voice, and cheerio trails everywhere. Thank you for teaching me more about the Father's great love for us all. On first birthdays I always have to wonder: what will this little life become? And while I don't know what you will do with your life, I know if you stay as you are now, you will love others fiercely along the way...and I know others won't be able to help but loving you as well. I pray you lead well and love well, and always point beyond yourself to the Gospel.

And you will find out, I end all birthday letters the same, sweet Sloan: we hope you understand the why behind our no-s. We hope you feel safe in the boundaries we set. We hope you feel freedom in the wide open places we leave for you. We hope you see God in our actions and in our words. We hope when you leave our little home for good and go our on your own that you'll look back on this simple little life we had together-- chaos and mistakes and messes and all-- and see that it was Grace that held us together; that you see that it was God's daily bread that provided it all.

We love you, Sloan Lee. There is nothing you could ever do that would keep us from loving you.

Sloan's birth story

Story behind the name: SLOAN LEE

First letter I wrote Sloan, at 20 weeks

Hopes and dreams and another letter

All of the girls wore the same outfit for their one year pictures. I knew I wanted to somehow include a piece of it, someway, in Sloan's. So I asked Brent's mom, Joan, if she thought she could make a bow tie for him out of the skirt. And boy did she deliver! I love that it was a part of all of these memories for us: 

Blythe at one year

Becks at one year

Nan at one year