a normal day

Today is a normal day.

 It has been filled with putting hair in pony tails, sidewalk chalk, dollhouse banter, fruit snacks, laundry, and spilled milk. There was dancing in the living room and running barefoot in the rain. There were mermaid dolls in a tub of rice dyed blue. There was hiding under the table when Daddy came home for lunch. There was a nap for Nan and me while Becks sneaked shoes from my closet and lined them up in the living room. There were diaper changes and dinner around the table with a lot of "take another bite" and "turn around, please" reminders. There was dessert ice cream and picking up toys. There was get-you-game with high pitched squeals, baths administered, brushed teeth, and lights out.

But today was also anything but normal.

It was a last-- a standing on a precipice and a readying of feet to jump and a hoping the parachute that has always deployed will deploy again. It was feeling hiccups and jabs in my ribs one last time. It was pain when I walked and danger when I sneezed. It was looking at the empty sixth chair at supper with the knowledge it will be filled. It was tiptoeing into dark rooms and studying sweet, sleeping faces I know so well with tears in my eyes. It was one last day as a girl mom and glances into a waiting nursery.

It was a normal day.
It wasn't a normal day.

It was slow and uneventful, rainy and peaceful.
It was filled with forward thoughts, and nostalgic review glances.
It was wondering what tomorrow will bring ,and gratefulness for all that it held on its own today.
It was a heart full to bursting, and a knowing that hearts will grow even more.
It was feeling Zephaniah 3:17, and being quieted with His love and rejoiced over with singing.
It was hands holding tightly to the old, and palms open in faith and prayer for the new.

Today won't be the remembered day. And yet I want it to be remembered for everything it was, and everything it wasn't quite yet.

I'm learning to let go of expectations and to only hold on to the daily bread that I'm actually given. And so today I tried not to put pressure on us to be anything but normal.
And so we were-- a family of five in our little home on Sloan Street, living another normal day, but with feet ready to take a jump.

And tomorrow?
Tomorrow we will eat breakfast, and attempt to get Becks to eat something other than toast. We will try to get Blythe to hurry up and put on her shoes and get in the car. We will drop her off for another day of first grade, but we will have bags packed for the hospital in the seat behind us.

We will park and Brent will grab my hand and say a prayer, and we will walk in the hospital with the daily bread we will be given tomorrow.

And though it will cease to be a normal day, it will be a day in which all our new normal days begin.

Hip Mom Jewelry: a review & GIVEAWAY~

Hey guys! It's been awhile since I've done a little giveaway on this 'ole blog, but when I was ordering my new ring for babe number four, I reached out to Heather, the owner of HipMomJewelry on Etsy, and asked if she cared if I featured her shop and goods. And not only did she give me permission, but she wanted to do a giveaway as well!

These are the rings I got-- I had them stamped on the outside but you can just do the birthstone, or stamp inside. Lots of options! 

When I had Nan, I started looking for some personalized rings that I could wear to represent my three girls. I looked and looked all over Etsy and narrowed it down to two or three shops. Unfortunately, I ordered from someone besides Heather first. My rings came and I was so excited... until I showered and the black in the stamped names WORE OFF! I hadn't even had them a week. I was so disappointed. That's when I started messaging with Heather about her rings at HipMomJewelry. I specifically asked how she stamped them, how long the black should last... etc etc etc. I wasn't going to make that mistake again! And she was so wonderful to work with through all my crazy questioning, that I decided to give her rings a go. PLUS, the ones I picked from her shop had BIRTHSTONES on them, and were even more what I wanted. I gave her all the details [more than she probably wanted], and anxiously awaited my order. 

They arrived quicker than I expected, were exactly what I wanted and hoped for, and TWO AND A HALF years later I can say that they have held up beautifully [and yes, I wear them in the shower].

Heather is a veteran of the US Army [THANK YOU], and is married with two daughters. She bought HipMomJewelry a few years ago, and enjoys creating and working with her hands. She went to the University of Kansas [ROCKCHALK! Another reason to support this shop ;)], where she studied oil painting and art history. She took one jewelry class just for fun, and now makes it all the time! She also enjoys gardening, running, and watching movies. She is so great about responding to any questions you may have about your potential order, and has nearly 300 FIVE STAR reviews on her products. It's good stuff!

She has so many options and a variety of products. Here are a few other examples:

Aren't these BEAUTIFUL? I love these stackable rings too... I just had too many kids to make this feasible for one finger ;) 

all the fonts are customizable, and I just love these birthstones hanging down.

She also offers personalized rings without birthstones, if you like the simpler look

I get SO MANY compliments on my rings, and several of my friends have ordered a set for themselves. I sized up about a 1/4, since I knew I would be stacking several, and when stacking they can be little tighter. If you're just doing two, you may not have to. I normally wear a size 6.5 and I asked her if she could make them 6 3/4 and they fit great. If your fingers fluctuate in size with heat etc, you may want to just go ahead and do the full half size bigger. The girls sometimes ask to wear "their ring" for a little bit, and it's fun for them to know that I have something special to always think of them. 

Here is my original set I ordered over two years ago:

AND YOU GUYS! I just got my FOURTH one in the mail. And it looks so great with these three... but you know I can't show it to you yet because HIS NAME IS ON IT! :) [Heather, if you're reading this, no matter who asks you cannot tell them his name. Top secret and you are the only one who knows!] I have fairly long fingers, and three fit EASILY. The fourth one definitely fits my finger, but if your fingers are short, three may be your max. She has all the width measurements listed though, so you can easily measure and feel confident before you order. If you decide to get a stack, you could also have her stamp the names in alternate orders with some out to the left side and some out to the right... really, the options are limitless! 

By the way, this is the tightest they have ever been on my finger and I am 38 + weeks pregnant and it's nine hundred thousand degrees outside. Also, the first picture was taken when they were brand new. This one was taken today. You can see how well they have worn. 

Now, for the good stuff! The GIVEAWAY! Heather said that her rings are her best seller, so she would love to give away one of these rings to one of my readers! So what do you need to do? 

>Head to HipMomJewelry on Esty, 

>click the little heart to FAVORITE Heather's shop, 

>and then look through her products and LEAVE A COMMENT here or on the link to this post [on facebook or Instagram] and tell me your favorite product. 

Giveaway will close WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22 [because I'm having a baby right after that!?!], and I will announce the winner and we will be in touch! 

So head on over now and be sure to enter! HIPMOMJEWELRY 

green

Yesterday I mostly finished my belly book for the little man bouncing around inside me. All I have left is one more weekly update and the details of his arrival. I then waddled over to the shelf where I keep all the Belly Books, and I slid it in its place-- right next to the other four. On each spine I had numbered the pregnancy for easy reference: #1, #2, #3, #4, and this one, #5. And for the first time in awhile the discrepancy between the number of books on that shelf to the number of children in my home looked me in the face.

I remember putting that #4 book up on the shelf last year-- remember stuffing it with cards so many friends and family had sent during that loss. I printed out the reflections I wrote during that time and pasted them in next to the sonogram pictures of our baby at eight weeks in the womb, another at 11 weeks. And then I taped in the final sonogram, at 14 weeks, our baby clearly formed but with a heart that had stopped beating. And after that? Weeks 15 through 40 remain blank.

Putting that book up on that shelf last year seemed like another little step in the large grieving process of losing our baby. But now I realize that, while there were no more pictures of my belly growing and swelling with baby Jordan inside of me, I could have filled that book with so much other growth inside myself and inside of my family.

A few days after my miscarriage was confirmed, I wrote about the Israelites crossing the Jordan River and building an altar with rocks from the bottom of that exposed bed. And they said that when people asked, "What do these rocks mean?", they would be able to tell of God's faithfulness; of His deliverance and guidance and sovereign love and kindness.

A couple months after I miscarried, we got a large rock for our yard. And when I look at it, I am reminded of those very things the Israelites were reminded of, and we get to tell our girls, our friends, and our neighbors. We get to tell them of God's kindness to us; of his deliverance even in the midst of such grief and loss.

Last August 15th I was met with news I never expected-- news I wasn't prepared for. And that news brought me running to scripture. My soul felt like the valley of dry bones in Ezekiel and I needed to read about life being breathed back into them. I remember reading Hebrews a lot during this time, as well. I read about a great high priest-- Jesus-- who reminded me I could take hold of hope set before me. Hope in the midst of pain. He was an anchor keeping our souls firm and secure in the midst of the storm-- not removing us from the pain but giving us an anchor to hold onto through it. And in Hebrews four I was reminded again that God's Word is alive and active-- that through it everything is uncovered and laid bare and I asked God to give me the humility to always welcome the counsel of scripture, especially through our loss.

And that's when I saw them, out in the margin on that very page in Hebrews: the lyrics to a song [by Aaron Ivey] that had struck me and so I had scribbled them down several months prior:

May you plant us in your mercy. May your words supply the branches, so when the fire comes you'll keep us green. 

And there I was, in the fire, but being kept green by the Truth of scripture and the comfort of the Spirit.

You know the story of Jonah? He runs from God and should be dead but finds himself in the deep, dark belly of whale. And while still in the belly-- not rescued yet, just sitting in the stench-- Jonah says, "You raised my life from the pit, Lord my God." And that's what I felt like last August. I was still in the belly, but I was praising God for the already and the not yet-- for the rescue that had already come through Christ and the rescue that I knew was coming for my grief.

That whale spit us out on the shores, but our time in the belly was raw and real and hard. And yet, our time there also revealed the goodness of our God in ways we had not yet experienced so tangibly, and reminded us anew that when the fire comes He will keep us green. Last night as we laid in bed, Brent wrapped his arms around me and asked, "How are you feeling about tomorrow?" And my answer was, "I'm really good."

"Me too," he responded.

And we are. We are good. We are good not because I have another baby ready to join us [at any moment!]. We are good not because we already had three little girls when we lost our baby Jordan. We are good not because our days are mostly happy.

We are good because we have a God who was in the belly with us.
We have a God who said, "Me too" when we were grieving and who says "Me too" with us now in our joy.

That number four belly book is just one of the many reminders we have of the baby we lost. Blythe asked just last week why baby Jordan is in heaven and baby brother got to stay in my tummy. And there is no answer to that question except that God is good and kind in both scenarios.

That's what the rocks mean, after all.

And today, please know: Whether you are in the deepest belly-of-a-whale-moment. or high on a mountain, or somewhere in the large space between-- whether you are recovering, or reeling, or rejoicing-- you are already and forever rescued from the pit by our good God who sees you there. He is a good God who wants our screams and our tears, but also wants our hearts to remember the Truth of His character. Your current circumstances will never outweigh the His eternal promises to you. He sees you. He will make a way through the river for you, too.