in like a lion

 It has been a week. 

And a half.

Or something like that. What day is it? 

I just looked: tomorrow is not only Friday but APRIL. Not sure how that happened. I've been in a fog over here but I feel like we are slowly coming out of it. 

In some ways, I don't even really want to document this. But, I also created this space so I could write and process, but also document the happenings in our lives. And this was a happening. And I need to process it. 

Last week, March 23, our first baby girl turned four. I wrote her this letter, I reflected on her four little years of life and how sweet she is and what a joy she has been to our family. I know everyone says that about their children, "They are such a joy to our family." But I really mean it: deep in our bones, down in our souls, this girl gives us joy. 

Monday morning she woke up with a little temperature. Nothing big. Not too unusual. Kids run temperatures. She ate fine all day, but by the evening I noticed her fever was slowly going up. Bummer. We gave her a good dose of ibuprofen and put her to bed. She woke up off and on and we rotated some medicine to try to keep her comfortable. At 3:30 she woke up crying and had a little cough. Her temperature was 104. And I had never felt her so hot to the touch. 

We aren't ones to rush to the doctor, but a 104 temp while on medicine was not something we wanted to mess with. Plus, with a new baby possibly hours away from arrival, we wanted to get some answers and antibiotics if it was something like strep. So we called up my dad, who put on his flying panties and headed over to be with Becks[I'll share the flying panties story sometime...maybe]. And we were on our way. Blythe was pretty lethargic on the way, but Brent read to her and she rested some. 

She did great at the ER. She thanked the nurses. She smiled and answered questions the best she could. At one point two nurses had been helping and walked out and she looked at me with her tired, sick eyes and said, "They were really nice."  

Flu test. Negative.

Strep test. Negative. 

Chest x-ray. Nothing. 

They said it was something bronchial, manage her fever and push fluids, and sent us home. 

We got home and Blythe went right back to sleep at about 8 and slept until after 10. When she woke up she was coughing more and her temperature continued. We laid low the rest of the day, even though her cousins were visiting all the way from Nashville. 

The next day was her big birthday. Four years old! Brent slept with her that night to monitor her temperature and her coughing. By the morning her temperature was normal! She was a lot perkier than the day before [which wasn't saying much]. We still did a slow morning. She ate normally. Brent took the day off work because we thought we may bring her in to her pediatrician in the afternoon, but then because her fever wasn't as bad decided to hold off. 

At about three that afternoon, and talking with the family that would be coming, we decided to go ahead and do a little birthday. So I dug around in my cabinets and grabbed what I could for party supplies. I hadn't planned on doing much anyway because I was pretty uncomfortable-pregnant, but I had bought a cake mix and supplies to make ice cream cone cupcakes. Blythe absolutely loves helping me bake stuff, and I had promised she could help me make the cupcakes, so we scrubbed hands up to elbows and used the mask from our doctor kit just to be safe.
 

By the time family arrived, Blythe was tired, and I couldn't be on my feet anymore, but for an hour or two we celebrated. Blythe tried really hard. Her smiles weren't as frequent, and it was a lot for her. Had I known what the next day would bring, I would have never gone ahead with the party. But hindsight is always 20/20. 

 This was the first birthday party that she has had other kids to play with, as it has always just been family...and all her younger cousins live farther away. So that was fun for her. We wrapped up early and she crashed hard.

 

 And in the night her fever went back up again. Brent again slept with her. It got up to 103 that night. Something wasn't right. I would make an appointment with her doctor in the morning. 

She woke up, her fever was down a bit again but still lingering, and she wasn't as perky as the day before. And then she smashed her big toe and within moments it looked like this:

Poor thing was NOT having a good year 4. Her cough was worse, her temperature was hanging on, and her voice was raspy. I had an OB appointment at 1, and her doctor only does well-checks in the morning so he couldn't see her until 2:30. I didn't want to drag her along to my appointment, so Brent's mom agreed to meet me after my appointment and let Blythe nap until then.

On the way to my appointment I got a call from her doctor's office saying they wanted her to go to the hospital first and have another chest x-ray done, as well as some further blood work. While I was grateful they were really looking into it, that meant Joan had to put her in the car right then and I would meet them on the other side of the hospital immediately after my appointment.

I found out I was at a three, which completely terrified me because I couldn't deal with delivering a baby right then when Blythe was so sick. I waddled over to the other side of the hospital and met up with them. Blythe was so tired. And going downhill very rapidly.

Again, she blew my mind with how good she was for the x-ray tech and even when they drew 4 tubes of  blood she did so well. By the time we got to the pediatrician's office, I could tell her temperature was back up. Sure enough she was at 104 again. It didn't take long for the diagnosis. Pneumonia. And an immediate check in at the hospital.

After two hours of poking and prodding, I could barely stand to think of bringing her to the hospital. I was weary, she was so sick. And yet I knew that she needed to be there to get better. Joan was amazing and helped me get her in and out of the van and up to the pediatric wing. I don't know what I would have done without her. We also have a good friend that works in the hospital and Brent had let him know the situation. Unfortunately I missed his text when we were checking in, but he sent me one that said, "Want me to meet you in the front? I can carry a child or burdens, whichever you need." Here is where I must say that God created community and it is good, people.

We finally got in the room. They immediately did a breathing treatment and this is where I nearly broke. Blythe was flipping out and crying, "I don't want to do it! I don't want to do it!" and I had to hold her down. I remember trying to comfort her, all the while crying out to our God of comfort. Right after that ordeal, the door opened and Brent walked in. I wish I could adequately explain what his presence did for me in that moment. Like so many times before, his presence calmed me. It reassured me. And his steady hand took over and I sunk in the chair next to the bed.

 

The next hour was tough. An IV that didn't stick. A new IV. Finally getting some medicine to get her temperature down. And then waiting. Watching her temperature. Soothing her cough. Forcing her to drink. We didn't sleep much that night. By ten her temperature had skyrocketed to 105. It was scary. I was so thankful we were at the hospital.

 

 

Needless to say we didn't sleep much that night. They had to monitor her temperature every hour and did breathing treatments every four [which she still hated]. By the early morning she finally needed to go to the bathroom and the sweet little thing did so well with the IV attachment. 

Her doctor came, and seeing what her temperature had done in the night after her first dose of antibiotics decided we needed to stay one more night. 

The next day she was doing so much better. The light wasn't totally back in her eyes, but as the day went on she came around.

People were so good to us. I can't tell you how many offers we had for people to bring us food or snacks or coffee or just come sit with us. Blythe got balloons and coloring books and cards. We even had a friend who was out of town let us run over to their house and take turns getting in a nap. Brent's parents kept Becks and I never once worried about how she was because I knew they were loving her well.

I was having contractions off and on the entire time we were at the hospital. Nothing super intense to where I thought it was labor, but enough discomfort that I was glad to be close to labor and delivery ward. However, by Saturday morning I realized I hadn't been drinking very much water, and as soon as I started doing that it was much better.

After 24 hours there, she was getting back to herself. We discovered the toy room. She realized she could ask the nurse for ice cream whenever she wanted. There was an entire cabinet full of movies and shows for her to watch. Watching the light come dancing back into her eyes was so very good.

By the end of the day she got to be reunited with Becks and her cousins visited and played a game of Candy Land with her. [We maybe regretted all the sister kisses later].  That evening she was bouncing off the walls. I don't know that I've ever seen her quite like that. We were having a hard time keeping her from getting tangled in her IV and had an even harder time getting her calmed down for bed.

By the next morning we were ready to sign the discharge papers, at by 2 in the afternoon we got the all clear. Blythe even thought she needed to sign them. It was a pretty short stay. There were scary moments and not a lot of sleep for any of us, but man oh man are there a lot worse things in this life. AND, it was interesting because Brent and I have been doing a study and seeking God a lot about surrendering everything to God; getting rid of idols.

Even the idols of our children. 

Ouch. That's hard work, people. It's hard to hand these precious little lives over to God and say, "They are yours anyway. I know you've just given them to me on loan. I will try and steward this gift well, but You're really in control. You are first. You come before them. I love you more than I love them." 

That's soul work that I have to keep at. And pneumonia and two days in the pediatrics wing of a hospital are small potatoes. But in those wee morning hours with a temperature that's soaring in your first born? Those idols are still hard to hand over.

 

So Saturday we got home at about three or four. That morning Brent's parents had told us that Becks was running a little temperature, but we weren't too concerned because pneumonia isn't supposed to be contagious. 

We crawled in bed early that night, happy to be home. 

At eleven Becks started coughing. And her temperature was 102. Brent got in bed with her. At three a.m. her temp was 104.8. Unlike Blythe though, she was not lethargic. Girl was laughing and saying, "Nakey! Nakey!" when we took her clothes off. We decided we probably should take her in as well. My dad got a phone call again and rushed to the scene. We left with Becks.

Becks in the ER was kind of funny. Pretty soon her temperature came down and she stood up on the bed and told us, "I feel better!" We didn't really want to put her through a flu swab, because that was always the worst for Blythe, so we saved it for last. She barely flinched. She's a different child than our tender first-born, that's for sure. She wooed the nurses. It took a little time. They were busier-- it was the weekend, early Easter morning, to be exact. They did a urine test for a UTI [Becks just hopped on the potty and went like it was no big deal]. I know they thought we were crazy for bringing her in because she was acting like...well, like Becks!

But sure enough, there was a touch of pneumonia.  Luckily it wasn't super bad [yet!] and we could start her on antibiotics and hopefully kick it pretty quickly.

While I waddled back and forth to the ER bathroom a couple times, I kept thinking of the song, "Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. Through it all, through it all, it is well."  We grabbed some antibiotics for little Becksy [and who knew Dunkin Donuts had such awesome breakfast sandwiches?!] and headed home. And as the sun rose on our drive home I thought of the empty tomb, of a Jesus that resurrects dead things, and the hope that we have in Him.

 

 Her temperature never went back up so high, and really only ran for one more day. We were thankful she got to convalesce at home. 

Unfortunately, the next day I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a semi-truck. I never ran a temperature but had chest congestion and a cough and the gunk. I had to get on an antibiotic too. I had to ask for a lot of help with the girls [ I still am!] and rest. At my doctor appointment Tuesday I hadn't progressed any [thankfully! as I needed a few more good sleeps before I was ready to try to deliver a baby!], and my doctor told me it would be a little harder to get over just because I was pregnant. I'm feeling much better now, but I'm still pretty wiped. I can't be on my feet much without getting exhausted and sore. I think my body is finally kind of shutting down after running on adrenaline and just doing what it had to do the last week and a half. 

It's interesting because at the beginning of the year I wrote about how I really want to just show up for people this year. Help them. Be with them. 

And in an interesting turn of events, Jesus has been saying to me, "Kelsey. Humble yourself. Let's others show up for you." That's hard to do sometimes. But they have. They have showed up. [Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! ]

And through it all Christ has given us abundant peace. Abundant. I can honestly say that in the midst of all of this, I have had very few moments of anxiety. Sure, I finally broke down and cried that first night in the hospital as I waited for Blythe's temperature to go down. But there has been a peace in my soul as I have released it all the Him. When I start to feel it all again I whisper, "I trust you, Jesus." 

Four words.

I trust you, Jesus. 

I snapped the above picture the other night as all of this has finally started to calm down and the plague seems to be leaving our house. I haven't really had time to reflect on what is just around the corner. A new baby.  A new girl to spike fevers in the night. A new little life to surrender to God. We will meet her within a week. One week.

And I guarantee when they place her on my chest for the first time I will say, "I trust you, Jesus. And I entrust her TO you, Jesus."

And while we wait for that moment, we are taking our days slow her. Lots of pajamas. Lots of antibiotics mixed in chocolate pudding. Lots of movies. And lots of hugging on my big girls whose lives are about to change forever.

And through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all it is well. 

Baby Bump 3: 37 weeks

Dear Baby,

Well, sweet one, it's been A WEEK. But first, let's start with the good stuff.

We were thrown an absolutely wonderful shower at the beginning of the week. Mommy's friend from high school, and now co-worker at the church, Becca, hosted a fun afternoon for us with all my favorite treats and a lot of my favorite people. Your aunt Kali and aunt Beth also happened to be in town and were able to come, which was extra great. I know you will be reminded often that you are the third child. You'll have hand-me-downs [your older sisters only wore hand me downs too!], and you'll get less attention, and you'll be over all deprived, ya da ya da ya da ;), but this day you were the center of attention and you did not lack for love. We have some truly awesome people in our lives. 

At our appointment this week, doctor said you had definitely dropped, which I could definitely already tell. :) I am dilated to nearly a three and making progress. Which is kind of crazy! With your sisters I never progressed more than a one before their arrival, so the "ticking-time-bomb" feeling was set off in me for sure after hearing that news.

We celebrated Blythe's fourth birthday this week too. We didn't do anything big, partly because she was sick [more on that in a minute], but mainly because I hadn't really planned on doing anything anyway because being on my feet for more than a minute is tiresome. But we had some family over, your Nashville cousins included! This was the first birthday party they've been able to come to. Your poor sister was pretty puny, but hung in there. It made me think of all the birthday parties we'll be having with you in the future...and how all of your birthdays will be so close that you'll probably have to be okay with sharing one party so I don't lose my mind. :) I know that before we know it you'll be sitting in your high chair chowing down on a big cupcake for your first birthday.

Now, for the crazy stuff. Blythe got really sick this week. Really sick. First she went to the ER, then later she had to go to the hospital and stay two nights. She was fighting off pneumonia. Boo. We've never had to do anything like that before, and while we were caring for her we were also concerned that you may decide to make your arrival. While we were at the hospital I was having lots of contractions. I knew I was just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the OB unit, which was comforting, but I also knew that your dad and I wanted to be with Blythe during that scary, unknown for her. I think it was a combination of little sleep and not enough water, because once we were able to come home my contractions slowed down... Just in time for us to take Becks to the ER when she spiked a super scary high fever too. And guess what? She had a touch of pneumonia too! Crazy! But hers wasn't as far along as Blythe's so we got her on antibiotics right away and she seems to be doing better.

Now I've got it. But, baby girl, your sisters are pretty much healthy [if you decide to come they'll still get to come meet you at the hospital], and so enduring this is a lot easier knowing that. I'm going to start taking some medicine, which means you'll get to take some too, so we'll all hopefully be healthy in a few more days. Our induction date is in a week and a half, so if you wait until then we should be good to go. If you don't wait until then, we'll still get through it. I don't really want to think about laboring and delivering right at the moment since I can't breathe very well, but if you need to come you need to come and I'll do it! We'll do it! And when, in a year, you're sitting there eating your cupcake at your birthday party we'll laugh and say, "Man, that was a crazy week!"

Here's to starting week 38! Hopefully it will end healthier than this one. Either way, your birthday will be so soon. We're exhausted already, so you may as well join the party :). I can't wait to hold you and love you on the outside.  And please please please please please be a good sleeper from the get go ;).

Love,
Mom

in sickness and in health

When Brent and I stood next to each other on our wedding day, we made a lot of promises. One of those promises was to love each other in sickness and in health. 

I'll be the first to admit I do a pretty poor job of this. The "in sickness part" is hard for me if it involves puke.  And if it involves being helpless to take it away. 

A week and a half ago Blythe started running a fever. She acted fine but when she woke up from an uncharacteristically long nap and her temperature had jumped to just shy of 105* I was concerned. My pediatrician was out of the office so I shot him a message shortly after five [he's awesome and checks these messages and responds pretty quickly]. He responded a little before 8 and said we needed to take her to the ER. He was concerned she had a UTI [she had one when she was pretty little] with a spiking fever. My mom sat with a sleeping Becks and we loaded up the van and woke up Blythe. "Where are we going?" she asked as we slipped some warmer pants on her. When I said we needed to go to the doctor her little sick eyes perked up and she was excited. Bless her soul. 

I figured she would fall asleep right away once we got in the van, but those big brown eyes stayed wide open the entire way to the hospital. By 10 o'clock we were in, and they swabbed her nose [which was a horrible experience and done very poorly] to check and see if it was Influenza A, and then we were off to the bathroom to try and get a sample to test for the UTI. By the time we got back from the bathroom it was confirmed: Influenza A. 

She stayed awake the majority of the way home and finally got to bed about midnight. The next two days were very rough. It was so hard for me to not be able to take the sickness and hurt and pain away from her. She was exhausted but couldn't sleep. And I was powerless. 

I cried some. I prayed over her and with her. I refilled and refilled humidifiers. I made her favorite foods. I kept a list of times and amounts of medicine on the bathroom mirror. But I couldn't take it away. 

And I realized that when I made that promise to Brent, I also made it to the children we would have together in the future. In sickness and in health, I will be your mom. In sickness and in health, I will hold you and sing to you. In sickness and in health, I will love you the best I can. 

Brent was awesome to help the moment he walked in the door in any way he could, even when he didn't feel well himself. In sickness and in health. 

And my mom stopped by everyday to check on Blythe. But I know she was really checking on me, too. She would bring juice and Emergen-C, and Kleenexes, and anything we needed! I felt bad that she was exposing herself to the nasty flu, and that she was bringing us stuff. But then I realized: she, too, was just being a mom in sickness and in health. 

I brought her a candle as a little thank you when we had all acquiesced, and I think she understood it was for taking care of me 29 years and not just when Blythe was sick.

When they are throwing up, it may be difficult. Even though sickness is tough, and exhausting, and you want so badly to take it away from those you love, sometimes it is harder to love in the everyday. Sometimes it's harder to love when their food is stuck to the floor, or when they haven't napped for three days straight. Sometimes it's hard to love in health. 

But in 10 years, and in 29 years, and in 35 years I hope my family says I took care of them in sickness and in health. 

yesterday's giveaway closes at midnight. 

check it out if you haven't had a chance. 

under the weather

baby girl, when you feel poorly

just lay your head right here

i'll wipe your tears and kiss your cheeks

and keep you ever near

baby girl, when your temperature rises

and your cough comes in the night

just let me take care of you

and let me hold you tight

baby girl, when your eyes stop dancing

and your energy is gone

come snuggle in my lap a while

and let me be your mom

coughing

coughing makes me hurt
all over
in my throat
in my chest
in my ears
in my RIBS
in my eyes

it makes people turn away
in disgust
"who is that ugly creature
with the red raw nose
and the coughing
like a beast?"

coughing makes me forget
what i'm doing
makes me shake
from head to toe
makes me sweat
makes tears stream down my cheeks

coughing makes me wish
for spring
for comfort
for water
for rest

coughing
coughing
coughing
coughing

it's exhausting
trying
testing
annoying
humiliating
exhausting

heaven is taking a deep breath
clear through to my lungs
so deep i hit the pavement
of my soul
without

coughing.

weird week

friday night-- ball game that almost went into over time. we won. aunt linda and uncle al arrive- hang out.

saturday-- wake up early and drive brent to work so that I can swing directly over to see Henry and Beth. Spend rest of the day with them and take home Dawson and Hawkins for slumber party. [we had quite the slumber party...Dawson wanted to watch 20/20]

sunday-- church. lunch with my fam before the VZs headed back North. then back to Brent's fam to bid adieu to everyone there.

monday-- Brent and I both had the day off so we headed to South Kansas City to buy our new Mac computer... we have been saving for over a year and half and were super excited for the day...oh, but sidenote, this girl woke up slightly ill [Beth and Henry had something...sound familiar? Love you, Beth :)] I powered up and barely made it through the day.

tuesday-- I went to school as usual...but felt like death. I did not want to be there but we had a game and I didn't want to miss it. Oh my goodness. Awful. By the end of the day the secretary had already called and filled out a sub form for me the following day and at the end of the day she came to my room and just said, "All you have to do is sign this and it is all taken care of. Don't come back tomorrow." I didn't even request it. I guess I looked sick. I drug myself home for a brief break and then drug myself back to school for the game. Unfortunately it was a crazy game that required too much of my energy. One of our seniors tore her ACL, we went into overtime…and we won. I walked out of the locker room directly to my car directly to bed. I didn't wake up until…

wednesday-- noon! I was feeling better than the day before but still rested and drank plenty of fluids….Brent was good to me.

Thursday-- back to school, feeling SO much better, glad to be with students again….then SNOW! Early out. Game cancelled.

Friday-- snow day. and feeling like death again. Not fun. But it is the weekend now. My nose is raw, my throat is burning…but, as Scarlett O'Hare would say "Tomorrow is another day!" Although she would probably sound a bit sexier saying it than I do right now. Oh goodness.

Weird week. I was only at school for a day and a half days and I only vaguely remember the half day. Next week is district basketball. We have the number one seed. I think this means I need to get more sleep. I will try to write something creative soon, but for now…Goodnight!

day 3- a photo from the last place you went on holiday/vacation

To start: I didn't think I would be blogging this weekend. The plan was to just enjoy all the time with our family that is here...as much as possible. And we have... Friday evening and all day yesterday were wonderful blurs of family time. We had spent most with Brent's fam, since they're leaving sooner, and then last night around 8 went over to my parents to visit with Kali and Dan. And Brent ate a sweet potato. Oh, you evil sweet potato, you!

He woke up at about 4 a.m. and hasn't really left the bathroom since. And it's his BIRTHDAY for crying out loud! Oh, sweet potato, I will curse you forever.

But on a happier note: Today's photo is a picture from the last place you went on vacation. B and I have been other places since this trip, but haven't considered any a "vacation" necessarily. This week long trip to beautiful weathered state of California a year and half ago though...definitely a vacation.

We visited Brent's brother and family. Fantastic.

And my dream of going to Disney Land finally came true :)

And now I'm going to check on the sick birthday boy :(.