A letter for my son

Blythe drew this before we knew you were a boy 

19 week ultrasound 

 Dear baby boy,

I have written and rewritten this letter in my head so many times, and every time I start in different places, so I don't really know how to start this right now. I guess I'll start here, which is where your story began:

About a year ago, your dad started talking to me about the possibility of adding another child to our family. A fourth child. The thought seemed so beyond what I was capable of and, quite honestly, I didn't know if I could do it. The physical needs the pregnancy, let alone the first year of your life, would take on my body seemed like such a heavy weight to choose to do again. But God, in His gentle kindness, like He always does, slowly and tenderly spoke to me. He reminded me that He gave me your dad and that I could trust that man with this decision; I could submit to him as he submitted to God. And more than that, God reminded me that He shows up greatly in our weaknesses, and that He would fill in the gaps where I know I am bound to fall short as a mother of four. [I wrote a little more about this in detail here].

That is where your story began, but that is not where you began.

I know we will talk about your sibling that I miscarried, so I know you will know about Jordan. [Here, Here, and Here]. But you see, you are not the fourth child in my womb. Last June I discovered I was pregnant, after releasing my fear of that to the Lord. Our family was excited and preparing, my body tired and growing once again. And then in mid-August, at 14 weeks, I found out that your sibling was no longer living in my womb. Jesus welcomed that baby, and we grieved that loss deeply. God was again doing a work in your mom and your dad.

We didn't discuss what this meant for our future for a long time-- we knew we needed to just enter the grief and walk with God and lean into the healing He was offering us so graciously and generously during that time. We named your sibling Jordan because I was drawn to the passage of the Israelites crossing the Jordan River into the promised land. The Lord stopped the flow of the river so they could pass. These same Israelites had already seen The Lord part the Red Sea. And in our grief I looked at this passage and I was learning that our God will always make a way. He is faithful, and He will get us to the other side on dry ground. So your dad and I leaned into that Truth.

After six weeks, I had a doctor's appointment to make sure I was okay physically, and though I was not "cleared" to begin trying to get pregnant again, I knew that this was the point that we could begin the conversation again. On the way home from that appointment I asked your dad his thoughts. We both agreed that this loss did not change the pull we felt God put on us to have another child. And then I said to him, "Another child will not heal or redeem this loss. Only God can do that. When we lost Jordan I wanted to know that truth deep in my soul before we considered trying again. I needed to know that I really believed Jesus is better than any child I could have [or have]. I needed to really believe that God wouldn't bring healing to us through another child, because I believed He would bring us healing simply because of who He is. And at this point, I believe that so clearly and deeply. If we never get pregnant again, or if we never try again, I know God is good and I know He has redeemed this loss in our lives."  When that loss was still fresh, I had journaled those words to God, but I knew, if I were being fully honest, that I didn't fully believe them like I did when I spoke them in the car that day.

And I want to make sure you know this part of the story fully, because I want to make sure that you know that we never once have seen you as a replacement for that loss, nor have we seen you as the redemption for that loss. You have always been separate; you are your own little life that the Lord has granted us. And whether we hold you here on earth or not, we are grateful for these months we have had with you.

You are the fifth child I have carried in my womb, and it has not felt the same as the first, I will tell you that much! It has already been hard on my body, and I have been so mind/body/soul exhausted. But we are halfway, you and me. And every time I get to see or hear your little heartbeat,  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for you: YOU, the idea of whom I was fearful to even entertain a year ago. I thought, when I heard God tell me I would grow as my family did-- that my weakness would reveal His strength-- I thought He was talking about in the day to day chaos of a family of six. And I believe He does mean that, but I know now He also meant He would fill in the gaps of my journey to that point. And so my gratitude for you comes from this place in my heart that has grown, that maybe didn't even exist, when your dad and I first started praying about having another child.

Way bigger than I was with any others at this point! 

And we just found out you are a BOY! A BOY!!! Oh my word I don't even think I've still processed that fully. Another thing I did not foresee on this crazy ride!

And now we are here, almost 20 weeks, and your dad and I cannot wait meet you. We pray we get to hold you on this earth, for what a beautiful day that will be. Your sisters are beyond excited and I know they will overwhelm you with love and kisses once you make your debut.

Thank you, sweet boy, for already bringing so much growth to this family and to my heart. Thank you for already showing us more of who God is.

Love,
Mom

The girls wanted to make pink and blue cookies the day before the ultrasound...

...and they picked which color they predicted: blue for boy, pink/reddish for girl. [To be fair, Nan just grabbed the closest one]