how I know to get the heck outta Dodge

[Can I just say that right now I hear *nothing* bursting outta my two monitors. Nothing. We're figuring this out, folks!]

The other day I was in Kohls trying to snatch up a few deals in the hour that I had before I needed to get back to feed Becks when I overheard this conversation:

Man #1: "something something something...the heck outta Dodge."
Little Girl: "Where is Dodge?"
Man #1: Chuckles. "In Kansas somewhere."
Man #2: "It's a saying though. Dodge is just a place you say when you need to leave."

Thank you, Gunsmoke.

I realized the other day though that I have developed a way of telling when I need to get "the heck outta Dodge." Cars.

Let me explain.

This works two way.
The first scenario:
I'm cruising along, minding my P's & Q's in my sweet 2004 Honda minivan with minimal rust spots, when all of a sudden I notice the cars around me have no dust on them. They clearly haven't driven gravel roads lately. [Their loss].
And then I notice Lexus, Mercedes, .... shiny and silver, declaring their names on the spot free black vehicles. And then I start to see makes and models I've never even HEARD of before; cars so fancy they don't even bother with million dollar ads during the Super Bowl.

It is right then that I know I need to get the heck out of Dodge. I'm out of my element. These people drink Starbucks twice a day and shop at Talbots for everyday wear.

I look for my nearest exit.

The second scenario: 
Typically I don't know where I'm going and take an exit I think is correct, when all of a sudden I notice the cars around me don't have hubcaps. They might have dust on them, but I can't really tell because they are all some vague shade of rust and brown.
I can't tell what the makes and models are, because I'm too busy locking my doors and securing the premises.

It's right then that I know I need to get the heck out of Dodge. I'm out of my element. [Think Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side" when she goes out looking for Michael.]

I look for my nearest exit, stage left.

I find myself most comfortable among farm trucks, the occasional tractor that causes a traffic jam, and vehicles at least 5 years older than the year we are currently living in.

...

Unless you're talking about buying a vehicle for my 16 year old who is about to drive-- then hook me up with someone who can get me one of those fancy hubcap free cars.

*The is satirical. If you shop at Talbots or drive a rust/brown hubcap-free vehicle we can still be friends.